Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka