them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
pictures of spider-man
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see