GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.