I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.