Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I support this random dude and all his protests
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.