as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
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Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Fries, not lies.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
groan^2
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.