Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.