Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.