6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.