Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
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What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
mentally somewhere in italy
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Thursday Thought.
This is sending me to another galaxy
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.