I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.