mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Autocorrect completely socks
Oh, I bet you would be
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Beware of the dog..
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.