My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
one last job
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate