He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Me irl
congratulations to them
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The photographer’s assistant
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”