“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.