Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back