*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
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My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My inexpensive home security system…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild