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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
The best shot in the history of golf
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
#oldknees
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.