Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
You Might Also Like
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.