[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Tremendous stuff
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
what’s the point then??
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere