[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Basketball
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.