there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.