Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
🍞🦆
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT