“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Beware…..
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’