[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.