Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.