Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
You Might Also Like
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine