yall want some gasoline milk
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Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.