HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes