Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
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Covid like
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
So glad we cleared that up
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Some people were born into their job.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.