[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.