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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.