I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.