[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.