In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
How I’d get arrested…
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.