I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
how many bears make up a bear minimum
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.