them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
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[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The real reason evolution started..😂
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Miscakes
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3