Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Writing, She Murdered.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.