Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
same energy
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.