My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.