[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
hmmm
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
sugar glider wrangler
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that