No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school