We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
thanks auntie mary
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.