He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.