Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
HOW DARE YOU
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
What is going on? 😅
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.