Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.