The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Here’s a meme
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
For the ones in the back.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake