I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI