ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me irl
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
plant them where lol
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?