Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone